Handling Criticism With Candor and Comfort

Perhaps one of the most vulnerable of moments is when someone criticizes you, especially if that person knows you well The scalpel of his comments can be surgically rapid and close to the bone, more damaging than the rubber hammer of a stranger’s passing slight.

Yet, as the old saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us can make us stronger.” People are most revealing when offering praise or criticism. Praise indicates what they most like about themselves and criticism often shows what they least like or feel least competent about in themselves. So criticism is actually a two-way mirror. How can you respond to another’s criticism with honesty and grace and actually gain new insights about yourself and the other person in the process?

First Recognize That You Are an Animal Under Attack

Whether you are with someone you love, hate, know little or just met, in the first moments when you realize that you are being criticized you will react the same.

Your heart beats faster, skin temperature goes down and you even lose perpheral vision. Because you feel under attack, your first instincts are to focus on that feeling, making it more intense. You will then feel like withdrawing or retaliating. Just remember that both instinctual responses are akin to saying, “I don’t like your comments therefore I will give you more power.”

Attempt to do neither as both fight or flight responses leave you with fewer options, not more. When you focus on your feelings, you will be distracted from hearing the content of the comments. You are more likely to react, rather than choose how you want to act. Avoid a “face-off” of escalation of comments between the two of you. Instead imagine a triangle of three entitites: the other person, you and the topic of the criticism.

Picture you both staring at the criticism, the third point in the triangle, to work through the comments, rather than staring each other down, where one person has to be wrong.

Look to Their Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear to Have None

You are your most disarming when you compliment someone else for taking the time to give you feedback. You take the wind out of their sails. The other person may even backtrack. Yet our first instincts are to look for the ways we are right and others are …less right. In responding to criticism, the momentum of defensive emotions builds fast.

Why? Because we mentally focus on the smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing about the dumb, thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is doing. This tendency leads us to take a superior or righteous position, get more rigid, and listen less as the criticism continues.

Difficult as you might find it to do, try staying mindful of your worst side and their best side as you engage in responding to the criticism. You will be more generous and patient with them, and increase the chances that they will see areas where you might be right after all.

Act as if they mean well, especially if it appears they do not, not for them, but for yourself. The more you can look to their positive intent, the greater the likelihood that you can respond to their comments without their adding more or elaborating before you can respond to their first comments.

Here’s an easy to remember four step process to follow when responding to a criticism. Remember it is never comfortable to hear negative comments. I just find this approach makes it easier than any other alternative I’ve found.

“AAA” Approach to Responding to Criticism

Step One: Acknowledge.

Acknowledge that you heard the person, with a pause (buys time for both to cool off), nod, or verbal acknowledgment that demonstrates that you heard them. Whether the criticism is “justified’ or not, if you attempt to avoid discussing it, it will loom larger in everyone’s minds that heard it and stick to you like fly paper, as you attempt to move on.

Do not disagree or counter-attack. Prove that you have heard his comment. Perhaps say "I understand you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have . .. ." ). Avoid blaming or "bad labeling" language such as “That’s a lie” or “You don’t know what you are talking about.” You will only pour hot coals on the heat of escalation and harden the person into their position so she will want to elaborate.

Step Two: Ask for More.

Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and stay focused on the issue, not the feelings or personalities. Go slow to go faster later in reaching agreement about hwo to resolve the criticism.

Try to "warm up" to the part of the person you can respect - focus on it mentally and refer to it verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever their self-image is that leads them toward making the criticism. The more fully the other person feels hear, the more likely that he will be receptive to yoru response, whether it is to agree or disagree.

Step Three: Add Your Own

Add your own, asking permission first. If you believe the comments are accurate, then say so. If an apology is in order, give it sooner rather than later. Then say what you plan to do differently to respond to the criticism.

Ask for their response to your comments and again thank the person for being thoughtful in offering them. The sooner you verbally agree, if you find truth in the criticism, the more likely that you will engender respect from the other person and any others who witness the interaction.

In fact, if you tell others who are important to that person that you were wrong and appreciate his pointing it out to you, you will feel and appear more comfortable with yourself.

If, on the other hand, you disagree with the comments, say "May I tell you my perspective?" This sets the other person up to give you permission to state your view as you have been willing to listen to theirs.